hms iron duke

hms iron duke

Thursday, 16 February 2012

Sean Who?

Alphen, the Netherlands.  16 February. Let me tell you a fairy story. None of it is true.  Are you sitting comfortably?  Once upon a time a long way, away there was a Yank called Sean, who was not very bright, who wanted we British to hand something he called Lost Mal Virus, or something like that, back to the Argies.  Sean was an actor.  He was not a very good actor because he spent his days living in a fantasy world so far from reality he could no longer tell the difference.  Sadly, not many people went to see Sean's films, which I am told were by and large rubbish because the plots tended to be far too far fetched.  Sean was not very bright.  

He decided one day to make a new fantasy film which was SO far-fetched it was beyond credulity.  In his film a bunch of sad, lost Argie scrap metal merchants accidentally stumbled across a mythical island near the mythical Lost Mal Virus called South Georgia, and which was ruled by an evil prince called William.  In the film the naughty scrap metal merchants decide to dismantle the place without the Prince's permission. 

Brave to the point of stupidity, Sean was not very bright, our hero defied the evil Prince William by offering Georgia to his fairy Princess La Kirchner.  Princess La Kirchner, who was one tango short of a samba, was secretly in love with Prince William.  Sadly, Princess La Kirchner felt terribly slighted because the previous year Prince William had married a girl called Kate from Rotherham.  So, to make Prince William jealous she pretended to love Sean and start a war.  

Sadly, there was just an ever so minor flaw in the plan.  Sean, who was not very bright, confused South Georgia with Georgia, which was ever so slightly part of the United States of America, and which was known to be ruled by a big, bad ogre called Borat or something like that, who was known for his short temper and had lots of aircraft carriers.  Thankfully, being a Yank Borat was a kind, politically correct ogre who had caught onto a new idea called 'democracy', which was Greek and therefore cost a lot.  And, he was not at all happy when the scrap metal merchants started dismantling Atlanta, although many north of the Mason-Dixon line thought this a good idea.  Sadly, there were rarely good ideas in Borat's White Castle, but this Greek democracy thing was a real bozo; the people got to decide. 

Sadly, for Sean, who was not very bright, after two centuries of trying the Yanks had also at last learnt to read a map.  Borat, who had many wise counsellors, realised that Sean, who was not very bright, had not only confused South Georgia with Georgia, but Lost Mal Virus with the Falkland Islands.  Now, the Falkland Islands were a real, happy place where a happy, bucolic (and ever so occasionally alcoholic) frolicking people had lived for almost 200 years.  Like Borat they also believed in democracy and did not have a particularly high regard for the evil Princess La Kirchner.  She wanted to steal their homes and expel them from their tropical paradise and send them to a cold, forbidding and damp island called England where the people are ever so slightly wet.  Heaven forbid! 

Also, the Falklands did not really belong to Prince William, who visited on holiday from time to time in his magic yellow Sea Prince helicopter.  The Falklands belonged to the people, who liked sheep...a lot.  So, being the owners of the Falklands the good people of the Falklands decided to have a vote (that Greek thing again) in which all of them (i.e. 100% all of them) decided that whilst Prince William may be a tad evil, going bald and married to some woman from Rotherham, he offered infinitely better life insurance than the very evil Princess La Kirchner, who was one tango short of a samba. 

Borat, recognising he too faced this democracy thing, and a tough battle with several really ogerish ogres in the Republican Party, thought for a moment about the Latino vote and then decided that democracy might just be a thing called a political principle.  He then tells Sean, who was not very bright, and the evil Princess La Kirchner, who was one tango short of a samba, to butt out of the Falkland Islands and leave the happy people in peace and let then decide their future, which was all their hearts desire.  They called it self-detoxication or something like that.

If they heeded this friendly advice they would all have lived happily ever after...except Sean that is, who was not very bright, and, of course, Princess La Kirchner, who was one tango short of a samba.

This was a fairy tale.  Let's keep it that way!

Julian Lindley-French


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