Alphen,
just over the Dutch border from Belgium.
Friday, the 13th. Will
someone please save Europe from Belgium?
The influence of this chocolate superpower is growing by the day. Now, my own country, Her Imperial Britannic Majesty’s
Dis-United Kingdom, has made the odd mistake over the years. We are good at mistakes. Indeed, London is
currently working through Britain’s new foreign policy manual; “101 Mistakes To
Make Before You Collapse”. Perhaps
Britain’s greatest mistake came at the very height of Empire – we made Belgium! Yes, I know, it is a terrible admission to
make and hardly a testament to sound British judgement. Sorry.
The
1839 Treaty of London was a British-led deal between the Great Powers, the
Dutch and the “Kingdom of Belgium” to create a buffer between the French and
the Dutch. Belgium was to be perpetually
neutral and Britain was to guarantee Belgium.
Now, having led Western Europe’s only failed state to the heights of its
‘glory’ it is Belgians leading the way towards something all the more ambitious
- a failed European super-state.
Eveywhere
I turn there are wild-eyed and ever so slightly dishevelled Belgians leading
calls for the Super-Onion. Be it Onion
supremo ‘President’ Herman van Rompuy, or Chief Euro-Parliamentary Onionista
Guy Verhofstadt. Everywhere I turn
Belgians are telling me I have no alternative but to bow to the ‘power’ of
Belgium, sorry Brussels, and scrap my country so that Belgium can be made to work. Did I miss something?
The
latest piece from the chocolate superpower goes under the characteristically misleading
title of “The European Council and the Community Method” (no, it is not some
form of bizarre group sex but one does need a good smoke after reading it). Written by one of those consummate Onion
insiders Philippe de Schoutheete, former Belgian Ambassador to the Onion, it is
a true horror story.
Like
all good horror stories the paper starts by presenting the very essence of
normality. Europe was made up of a series
of cozy hobbit-like shires nestling in the green and pleasant vale that was
1950s ‘Europe’. Because the Hobbits had
no issues that divided them they all agreed to come together to grow a European
Onion. However, because they were all as
lazy as hell and did not really trust each other one little bit they also agreed
to create something called the European Omission, whereby they all pretended to
ignore their many disagreements and let some bloke called Manuel, a
Portu-Belgian, decide things for them.
Of course, the Belgians maintained ultimate control by making their own
lad Herman, King of the Belgians and President of Europe at one and the same
time. After a particularly damp period
the Onion went mouldy and the only way to save it was to make the Omission
responsible for ‘growth’, overseen of course by Herman.
And
then the descent into horror quickens.
The good Ambassador cites the secret Treaty of Lisbon which the Belgians,
sorry Brussels, had imposed after French and Dutch Hobbits had rather objected
to their country being taken away simply to save Belgium. The Belgians having given this democracy
thing a try demonstrated that it did not work but avoiding a Belgian government
for many years and decided this would also be good for Europe. Thus, the only solution was to recast the
Onion in the image of Belgium and overseen by the sprouts in Brussels.
At
the end there is nowhere to run. There
is no life after debt. Sooner or later
the Onion crushes all before it and Europe is finally turned into Belgium; a
happy but broke place where the people live happily ever after, love each other
deeply but have no say over anything. At least the beer is good.
To be
fair, the Ambassador is right about the essential challenge of our Euro-time; “One may ask whether the
true debate today is not between the Community method and intergovernmental
decision-making, but rather between governance and government”. For those of you not-versed in Onion-speak
the meaning is simple; is there any way we Hobbits will ever again trust the
Muppets who have created this mess?
Moreover, is there any way that we can be convinced to give Belgium,
sorry Brussels, even more power but ask less questions. For that is what at the end the good Belgian Ambassador
is offering.
He concludes with a warning. “No political system can survive without
giving hope to its citizens. Europe has been a great channel of hope for
several generations, including mine. And today? It is not hope that encourages
integration, it is market fears. Is this enough? What we see around us, rather,
is hopelessness. Many Europeans do not see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Who will bear a message of hope, if our leaders and institutions do not?" Hope springs infernal - there is no life after debt but the Onion.
British
Prime Minister William Pitt once described Belgium as a “pistol pointed at the
heart of England”. It is about to be
fired, if they can find the bullet. Belgium
- coming soon to a town near you.
Julian
Lindley-French
