What Has the Onion Ever Done for Us?

There is nothing as strategic as money. Reg, leader of the People’s Front of Judea in Monty Python’s Life of Brian, asks his followers, “…apart from the sanitation, medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?" With the battle now under way over the European Onion’s 2014-2020 budget a similar question is now being asked by western European taxpayers. What has the Onion ever done for us?

For western Europeans it is indeed a hard question to answer. Of course, trite politicians in the main net payers Britain, Germany, France, the Netherlands and Finland (yes, Finland) trot out the same trite answers – free movement of trade and peoples is in everyone’s interest, as is the transfer of billions of western Europe’s money to invest in central, eastern and southern European economies.

Certainly, western European leaders never give straight answers to the questions that really matter to their respective electorates – be it the cost of underpinning central, eastern and southern European economies or, indeed, immigration and its impact on our societies – both good and bad. Indeed, it is a mark of the loss of national sovereignty over both money and borders that said politicos have become so evasive and so economical with the truth.

And, during the boom years of largesse prior to 2008 there was an argument to be had that there was sufficient to go round. But not any more. The inability of Onion leaders to properly address the Greek debt crisis almost certainly means a) more western European taxpayer's money will vanish down the Athenian black hole; and b) Europe will become even more in hock to the Chinese, who at some point when Europeans are suitably hooked will demand a price – a big strategic price.

So, a divide is emerging between the ‘have not but must give’ western European taxpayer and the ‘increasingly have and want more’ central, eastern and southern European beneficiaries. It is no surprise that the spendthrift European Parliament, dominated as it is by central, eastern and southern European politicians, is demanding a 5% increase in the Onion's budget as a share of European states (i.e. western European states) national income. At a time of acute austerity across the Onion such demands border on the obscence and simply help to further undermine the credibility of an already out-of-touch European Parliament.

The depth of this divide has been brought home to me by two very different but linked experiences. My recent visits to Krakow and Wroclaw in Poland and Tallinn in Estonia left me deeply impressed by the progress being made in life quality therein. The fabric of all three cities had hugely improved according to the locals. Everywhere I went there were big signs with the Onion’s flag proudly displaying ‘its’ largesse. Or, to be more accurate, my largesse, being a British citizen paying tax in the Netherlands. Naturally, I pointed this out, as is my Yorkshire way, and whilst thanks were offered there was much mumbling by my hosts about ‘historic duty’ and all that. It is an historic duty that has long been paid by our fighting and winning both World War Two and the Cold War. Shortly thereafter I went back to my own home city, Sheffield, in the north of England, which was tired and shabby by comparison.

Being a freelancing professor I am often approached by young researchers keen to have me supervise their PhDs. The divide is ever apparent. The western Europeans almost invariably have a question as a sub-text – is the Onion a good thing? The central, eastern and southern Europeans, on the other hand, invariably take it as read that the Onion is a good thing, and simply want to know how to get more of it. There are of course variations, but that is by and large the message.

Now, what western European leaders are not telling ‘we’ the taxpayer is that the very purpose of the Onion is to transfer money from ‘us’ to ‘them’. What they are particularly keen to avoid telling us is that the Greek debt crisis was caused primarily because Greeks took it as their right to have western European taxpayers subsidise them, and indeed still expect it. As do millions of their fellow Europeans.

As a western European taxpayer let me make this clear to our frankly appalling political leaders; I am prepared to do my bit for ‘Europe’, but I am not prepared to be fleeced indefinitely to fund countries and societies that simply refuse to reform or modernise. In the past it may well have been the case that transfers of wealth from we few western Europeans to everyone else acted as ‘structural’ investment in the European economy for the benefit of all. Today, I am seeing with my own eyes that the propping up by the west of the rest is leading directly to the impoverishment of western Europeans, together with their countries and societies. As austerity bites deep both our life quality and security are being profoundly undermined.

I have spent much of my adult life believing in ‘Europe’, and deep down I still believe in an ideal. But I do not believe in this corrupted Europe, with leaders all too willing to give my hard-earned money away and yet give me nothing in return but meaningless and costly platitudes.

Therefore, as the Onion’s budget negotiations get underway those charged with leading the Onion, together with their weasel-worded fellow travellers in national chancelleries, must remember that we, the eternally ignored peoples of western Europe, will only up put with so much.

What has the Onion ever done for us? Certainly not sanitation, medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system and public health...we pay for all of that on top!

Julian Lindley-French

American Independence: Time to End the Experiment

Dear Yanks,

We are prepared to forgive and forget. On 4th July you will commemorate the 235th anniversary of your expulsion from the British Empire for bad behaviour. You are a perverse people, celebrating such a dark day in your history, but there you have it. I can only hope the truly titanic (good word that) quantities of burgers you will doubtless consume and beer you will quaff will ease the pain. I would like to post this blog on the day to help ease your pain, but sadly I will be doing something important.  And, for the rest of this week I will be in London dealing with matters imperial.

Now, let me give you a brief history lesson as you have not got much. Being a generous people back in 1776 we British agreed to a period of probationary independence. The kind of thing one does with less mature teenagers.  But, frankly, recent events make one wonder if one is in a position to extend said probation, let alone confirm independence. I do not use these words lightly but you should be aware that there are senior people in London (your betters) who are fast becoming more than a little, dare I say, miffed.  Having sub-contracted out bits of the Empire to you to run, your record has been a tad patchy, to say the very least. You clearly have a lot to learn about leadership, but we are patient.

Now, of course, whilst 1776 is a painful date for you, sooner or later you must confront it. Naturally, it had little impact on the Mother Country, as Trafalgar and Waterloo only proved to demonstrate. I bet you wished you had been part of those two bashes, as we did give the French such a sound thrashing. You never quite mastered that art, did you.  Having failed to think through your ‘Revolution’ (you do have a tendency to exaggerate) your little bout of petulance only led to tears. We cannot say we did not warn you, but you ended up paying for your own security after all, and in time our own.

There is good news. In a spirit of penitence you recently created the Tea Party to consider how you might reimburse us for that minor riot in Boston during which some very good Earl Grey was given a shaking. Poor show that. Given the state of your coffee though this is hardly surprising. Moreover, rumour has it that secret classes have been established to learn the rules of cricket. That should keep you out of mischief for at least a century.

We also recognize your failed but worthy attempts to re-create the monarchy through their Royal Highnesses the Bushnesses. But let’s face it ‘president’ does not have the same ring as Her Imperial Britannic Majesty.  One not only needs the right family to be royal, but ideally they should not come from Texas. Germany will do. 

So, in principle we would be willing to re-admit ‘yooz all’ (I believe that to be the correct vernacular) to the Empire, although this does create somewhat of a poser; how?

We could of course offer you a period of pretend independence in the European Onion. I was in Brussels yesterday at the heart of said Onion and floated the idea. The broad consensus was that whilst you have proven to be a tad unruly the price tag for membership is imposing and probably beyond you right now, and in any case the Onion is only for the truly self-deluded – such as the Greeks.

The other option is of course NATO – No Action, Talk Only. However, the widespread sense in London was that if you joined the Alliance it would have a membership of one within a week - No Talk, Americans Only. Your greatest thinker, Groucho Marx, was indeed correct when he suggested that his membership of any club rendered the reputation of said club questionable, which makes me concerned for the Empire. Certainly, your recent efforts at ‘going it alone’ leadership have not met with overwhelming success, but the Empire is probably big enough to cope.

Thankfully, after a considerable rummage around in dusty cupboards and strange brown boxes with fading labels, I came across a thing called the Commonbroke. From reading the paperwork it seems to refer to a motley collection of broke colonies playing at independence but which are still on our payroll, together with our few remaining dependent volcanoes, such as Montserrat, and of course Scotland, which we can never get rid of. Clearly, you qualify on both counts and to be fair you are so much more reasonable than our lunatic Celtic fringe.

There would even be some benefits of, let's call it reintegration, to both the Mother Country and yourselves. For example, the Royal Navy would become marginally bigger and you would no longer have to drink that coloured water you call beer. We would certainly be willing to scrap all your politicians and lawyers thus eradicating your budget deficit in a trice.  And, finally, Hollywood would be able to make proper films that gave an accurate account of our glorious role in your history. We did indeed win World Wars One and Two and it is about time the true story was told.

Now, we would of course demand something for all of this largesse and good grace.  You would be expected to turn up on time for our wars – for once. And, we would insist that you meet all expenses in full incurred by the British Army when burning down the White House in 1812, during a previous bout of intolerable bad behaviour (note the spelling). Otherwise we might have to do it again.

It must also be understood that an apology is needed for the Declaration of Independence – it was just so tedious and quite upset Buckingham Palace, interfering gratuitously with the horse racing at Royal Ascot. Clearly, the Special Relationship, which clearly matters so much more to you than to us, will depend to a significant degree on the revoking of this so-called Declaration of Independence. And, by the way, you should read the small print - it was after all written by 'American' lawyers. 

So, next steps? 2012 is the sixtieth anniversary of Her Imperial Britannic Majesty’s accession to power. What a wonderful gesture it would be if you voluntarily changed the name of your regional capital from George the Unmentionable to Elizabeth.

And one final thing, you will of course need to learn to spell. Happy 4 July!

Yours sincerely,

Julian Lindley-French

At the Going Down of the Afghan Sun

Baden, Austria.  Here in this beautiful spa town that adorns the southern rim of Vienna azaleas, petunias and rose cascade and tumble down manicured hills of bloom onto green swards that guard deep and soulful pools of reflective water.  My friend and colleague Dr Franco Algieri of the Austrian Institute for European and Security Studies has a knack for the catchphrases of insecurity and uncertainty that pepper security wonkery here at the heart of the European Onion.

Baden, Franco suggests, is a metaphor for Europe – the Austrianisation of Europe – comfortable to the point of self-delusion.  Europe, like Austria, is a shrinking pool of western peace surrounded by the encroaching weeds of eastern disorder.  This is how the Romans of the fourth century must have perceived their own peace, their own space.  In the far distance lies Hungary, visible to the naked eye and offering the first frissons of an alluring but threatening East.  The road beyond leads to Afghanistan; but it is still a world or two away.    

Which way to go?  President Obama clearly does not know.  Last week’s one foot forward, two feet back decision to withdraw ten thousand American troops by year’s end, and another  twenty thousand six months hence is worthy of Lewis Carroll.  “One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree. Which road do I take? She asked. “Where do you want to go?” was his response. “I don't know”, Alice answered. “Then”, said the cat, “it doesn't matter.”

The Afghan sun is dipping and another night of chaos beckons.  The West’s attempts to ‘civilianise’ Afghanistan now seem doomed; to be judged by history as simply another failed detour by the greatest of powers into the weakest.  Once the inevitable spin has lost its dark magic the Americans, and their recalcitrant partners, will be deemed by historians yet to be conceived as no more successful than their Soviet, British or Mogul forebears.  The only difference being that the ‘defeat’ will have been as much self-inflicted as Afghan inflicted.

So, Afghanistan is doomed to remain a space, rather than a place and will now never make the journey to anything other than the most pitiful of states; reminiscent of another age here when picturesque castles were the homes of rapacious bandits menacing and protecting in equal measure. .

I have visited that challenged Afghan space.  I have toured Kabul protected by my Movement Protection Squad.  I have walked the dust of Kandahar.  I have looked up at an old British fort near Qalat.  I have spoken with elders in Mordakhan Kalay deep in the Pashtu heartlands.  I have seen the beauty and the beast that is Afghanistan.

Today, those Afghans who had hoped that the West could make a difference will be thinking of escape.  Those who sat on the fence between order and disorder will slide off towards the latter. Warlords will be considering their next move in the forecourt of future civil war.  And, the Taliban will talk to their British negotiators firm in the belief that with the West packing up its watches they have the time.

In reality, most Western political leaders tuned mentally out of Afghanistan a long time ago, if they ever tuned in.  With honourable exceptions (well, one honourable exception) European Onion countries and the European Onion itself, were never serious. Even those claiming to have tuned in left it to their hard-pressed militaries to ‘resolve’ Afghanistan.  And, soldiers being soldiers they tried.  Oh, how they tried.  But the seeds of failure were also sown at the outset by an America that confused values with interests, just when Washington was at its self-eulogising worst with little understanding of the very real limits of its power and influence.  One has only to read Rudyard Kipling to realize the power of Afghnistan to humble the mightiest of powers.   

So, the drugs will still flow from the feudal fields of poppy, the nuclear-armed neighbours will go back to using Afghanistan as their proxy punch bag and Al Qaeda, shorn of its Sheikh, will slowly move back into the Ruds of southern and eastern Afghanistan.  Leaders in Kabul who bear much responsibility for this failure, will be considering which Geneva bank offers the best return for their ill-gotten gains.

In keeping with other great retreats President Obama will host a conference next May in Washington at which blame will be spread and responsibilities apportioned.  The mythical ‘international community’ will be invited to create new futures for Afghans.  But as the champagne is quaffed it is old futures rather that will busy the minds of Afghans.

Ten years on from 911 and now unwelcome guests the least we the West can do before we close the door behind us is to give the people some little hope.  At least one final attempt must be made to bridge macro and micro-Afghanistan – we owe it them, we owe it to ourselves.  Specifically, that means bringing together the National Stability Programme and the village-level Community Development Councils.  That means making a concerted effort to create an Afghan National Army and Afghan national and local police worthy of the name.  That means focusing all efforts on the NATO Training Mission-Afghanistan, and forgetting the weak EU Police Mission which is the talk-talk Onion at its worst. The very fate of millions of Afghans could depend upon the extent to which structure eclipses the chaos that the warlords we accommodated now seek and expect.  The most they and we can hope for now is Afghanistan-lite.

Above all, we owe it to our soldiers who have been sacrificed in their thousands.  The ordinary Grunts, Tommies, Canucks and Aussies (only the Anglosphere was really serious – Onionistas beware), the soldiers who have borne much the worst of this struggle – far from home and far from societies detached from their and any reality.  Kipling offers a stark warning of the consequences of failure from the same space at another time.  “When you're wounded and left on Afghanistan's plains, and the women come out to cut up what remains, jest roll to your rifle and blow out your brains and go to your gawd like a soldier”.  Surely, this struggle must be for more than that.

At the going down of the Afghan sun, shall we remember them?  Not here in Baden.  But, remember the road to Afghanistan leads both ways and it is not that far away.

Julian Lindley-French