November 16th. Understandably focused on the grief, death and mire of Israel, Gaza, and Ukraine there has been little coverage in much of the media of yesterday’s ‘walk in the woods’ by US President Joe Biden and Chinese President Xi Jinping (first given name Jinping). And yet, historians might look back on their stroll through the carefully coiffured gardens of a Californian estate as one of the most important moments in what President Xi rightly calls the “most important bilateral relationship in the world”. So, how did the conversation go?
Joe: Things have gotten pretty testy between us of
late, Jinping. We don’t want a war any
more than you do but sometimes you make it very hard. We need each other if we are going to survive
politically, even you, Mr Dictator.
Jinping: Agreed,
Joe, and thanks for the compliment. Why don’t you try dictatorship? Still, you also
fail to understand that my position as President-for-Life is not as easy as you
may think. There are a host of factions
defying me within the Chinese Communist Party and all of which are more not
less nationalistic than I am. If you want
a war then let those morons replace me. You
see, as ever you Americans cannot be bothered to learn anybody else’s history
but your own much-exaggerated greatness. The world looks very different from
where I sit given what those imperialistic bastards the British did to us a few
years ago back in the 1840s. The Chinese
people want payback and at the very least some contrition from you arrogant, ever
weaker and not to mention very ugly Westerners.
A bit of kow-towing would not go amiss either.
Joe: Look, Jinping,
we are not the British. In fact, not
even the British are any longer the British, just an irrelevant and utterly chaotic
little island off Europe led by a bunch of inbred aristocratic buttheads. In other
words, get over it! The real problem is
you Chinese and your enormous historical chip on your shoulders. Sure, we’ll show
you respect, but we will never kowtow before you because we know the price we would
pay. We also know you are facing your own self-inflicted economic time-bomb
caused by your imploding property bubble.
Your aggressive regional policies and restrictive corporate policies
have also seen many Western companies flee China just at the moment you need
them. So, knock yourself out.
Jinping: You
over-state our problems, Joe. Our economy is sound, tremendously resilient and
has great potential. My problem is not economic at all but political. In the wake of a little local difficulty in
1989…
Joe: You mean the 1989
Tiananmen Square massacre…
Jinping: …our little
local difficulty in 1989, Joe, we promised the Chinese people the Party would
improve their living standards year on year so long as they NEVER contested our
authority. Sadly, COVID and some other minor
difficulties mean that we can no longer offer that deal and the people are
getting a little uppity.
Joe: So, what do
you plan to do about it?
Jinping: Well,
that’s what I here to tell you about so we can avoid any further unnecessary
friction. First, do a deal with you to dial down your anti-Chinese rhetoric so
that you Westerners calm down as we go back to what you call ‘globalisation’,
but what we call ‘China-isation” and return to making us rich and powerful by buying
what we make. Second, do what we must do to steal from you
what you want and then simply sell it back to you more cheaply. Third, use the money to continue investing in
the People’s Liberation Army to shore up the position of the Party domestically
and project our, erm, peaceful influence internationally. Fourth, mire your in
any case useless European allies in debt thus weakening the Western
Alliance. We will even give them some
money so that can pretend to share the burdens of NATO. Fifth, and above all, reunite
the breakaway province of Taiwan with the Chinese fatherland which you must
understand is “unstoppable”. None of what
I have said is in the least anti-American.
In fact, if you let us do what we need to do in our sphere of influence,
we will let you do what you need to do in your own. No names, no pack drill. What
possible problem could you have with that?
You get rich, we get rich, and the rest simply don't matter.
Joe: Well, hold on
there a moment, Jinping. We may have a few minor concerns. Is it really in the
American interest to make you so strong that in time you force us out of East Asia? The fool you support in Russia has already revealed
to us your global dominance strategy by trashing international law by invading
Ukraine with his two-bit military. Even
though most Americans don’t give a damn, just a few of us do! We also know that your whole PLA gig is to
make our already complicated lives in DC even more complicated by stretching US
forces globally so that when you do decide to act against Taiwan you will
ensure we are busy in places like Ukraine and the Middle East. The kind of investments
you are making in the PLA, your so-called String of Pearls, not to mention your
support for Pyongyang are very clearly designed force us out of the
Indo-Pacific and subjugate our fellow democracies in the region.
Then there is Taiwan. Good luck with that. Your military men might
have noticed that the shortest distance between mainland China and Taiwan is
just about the same as the shortest distance between England and Normandy. When
we and the Brits did D-Day we had already practiced such operations several
times elsewhere, we were already the world’s leading maritime-amphibious powers,
and we enjoyed complete air superiority. What you really want is for us
Americans to turn a blind eye whilst you use whatever means necessary to
subjugate the Taiwanese, as you did in Hong Kong, and as you are doing against the
Uighur people.
By the way, it’s your wife’s
birthday next Monday. My intelligence people tell me you have forgotten.
Jinping: Joe, its
none of your bloody business. You accept that Taiwan is legally part of the People’s
Republic of China. In other words, you accept
our sovereignty over Taiwan and all you are doing is quibbling over how we do
it. Do you really want to go to war over
a small island faraway about which you know nothing? Your Allies? They cannot even defeat my useful idiot in Moscow.
So, I think not.
The bottom-line is this, Joe: I have
come all this way for a four hour meeting as a courtesy to tell you we ARE
going to bring Taiwan back into the Chinese family. We would prefer you
accepted that reality and we both got back to mutually enriching ourselves. If
you do not, then we have a REAL problem and much sooner than you think because
I must do this. You Americans really must wake up and smell your own appalling
coffee… you really are not the power you used to be. We, on the other hand…
In any case, there is always
President Trump for us to deal with when we have arranged his re-election…
Julian Lindley-French
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