Brexit Watch: Dave’s Haggle-free, Life of Brian In-In Referendum

Dave the Desperate: “How much? Quick, I need to con the British people by the end of 2017 to stay in the EU”.
Angela the Haggler: “What?”
Dave the Desperate: “It's for my political survival”.
Angela the Haggler: “Oh. Uhhh, let’s say a meaningless declaration exempting Britain from ever closer union and some tripe about my agreeing non-existent welfare caps for EU migrants”.
Dave the Desperate: “Right”.
Angela the Haggler: “What?”
Dave the Desperate: “There you are”.
Angela the Haggler: “Wait a minute”. 
Dave the Desperate:   What?
Angela the Haggler: “Well, we're-- we're supposed to haggle”.
Dave the Desperate: “No, no, no. I've got to get this in-in referendum sorted”.
Angela the Haggler: “What do you mean, 'no, no, no'?”
Dave the Desperate: “I haven't time. I've got—“
Angela the Haggler: “Well, in that case I withdraw the bit about migrants and I may have to reconsider the bit about ever closer union”.
Dave the Desperate: “No, no, no. We just agreed”.
Angela: “Jean-Claude!”
Jean-Claude the Juncker: “Yeah?”
Angela the Haggler: “Dave won't haggle”.
Jean-Claude the Juncker: “Won't haggle?!”
Dave the Desperate: “All right. Do we have to?”
Angela the Haggler: “Now, look, Dave. I want an open mind on future British Euro membership, a recognition that ever closer union is a good thing if not for now, and a commitment from you to end parliamentary sovereignty so that Britain becomes a German Lande, sorry, I mean a province in a federal European super-state. Fair enough?”
Dave the Desperate: “I-- I just gave you a commitment to stay in the EU whatever the British people think”.
Angela the Haggler: “Now, are you telling me that the EU’s not worth a bit of lost sovereignty? You were happy enough to give it away to the Americans during our last little bit of local difficulty.”
Dave the Desperate: “No”.
Angela the Haggler: “Look at the EU. Feel the equality. I am determined to impose it. I am offering you a real special relationship in which you get to agree what I decide.  Not like that American nonsense. Britain’s Athens to America’s Rome. What do you British smoke?”
Dave the Desperate: “All right. I'll concede you ever closer union. Just don’t tell the British people until after I’ve conned them into voting to stay in”.
Angela the Haggler: “No, no, no, Dave. Come on. Do it properly”.
Dave the Desperate: “What?”
Angela the Haggler: “Haggle properly. The EU isn't worth ever closer union, and a minor cap on migrant welfare rights. And if you fall for that bit about eventually joining the Euro you are even weaker and more stupid than I really think you are.  Between you and me, the whole damned single currency thing was a terrible mistake, does not work and never will. We thought we were engineering a Euro-Deutschmark. Turns out we have the Euro-lire.  Need I say more?”
Dave the Desperate: “Well, you just said it was worth the effort”.
Angela the Haggler: “Ohh, dear. Ohh, dear, Dave. Come on. Haggle”.
Dave the Desperate: “Huh. All right. I'll concede you a bit on the migrant welfare thing”.
Angela the Haggler: “That's more like it, Dave. Are you trying to insult me?  Me, with a dying Greek grandmother?! And, ever closer union?!"
Dave the Desperate: “All right. I'll give you the migrant welfare thing and ever closer union”.
Angela the Haggler: “Now you're gettin' it, Dave. Migrant welfare and a bit of ever closer union!? Did I hear you right?! This will cost me at least a Grexit. You want to ruin me?!”
Dave the Desperate: “Ever closer union, the migrant welfare thing, the immediate scrapping of Parliament, Britain’s unconditional surrender and Britain to pay for the Greeks?”
Angela the Haggler: “No, no, no, no”!
Dave the Desperate: “…and the immediate arrest of the Queen and Germany to win every World Cup hereafter?”
Angela the Haggler: “No, no. You go to everything but the World Cup thing.  We bought that year’s ago”.
Dave the Desperate: “All right. All right! I'll give you ever closer union, the scrapping of Parliament, unconditional surrender, Britain to pay for the Greeks AND execution of anyone who says Germans lack a sense of humour!”
Angela the Haggler: “German sense of humour?! Are you joking?!”
Dave the Desperate: “That's what you told me to say”.
Angela the Haggler: “Ohh, dear”.
Dave the Desperate: “Ohh, tell me what to say. Please!”
Angela the Haggler: “Offer me full control of Britain, including that lunatic Celtic fringe of yours.  They want to be German anyway”.
Dave the Desperate: “OK. I'll give you full control of Britain”.
Angela the Haggler (to Jean-Claude the Juncker): “Dave's offering me full control of Britain, can you believe it? I was only meant as a joke. Why would I want it? We own the Greeks already”.
Dave the Desperate: “And, I will make it compulsory that Germany won the war is taught in all British schools”.
Angela the Haggler: “OK. Britain commits to ever closer union, the scrapping of Parliament, unconditional surrender, no migrant welfare stuff, the arrest of the Queen, the compulsory teaching in all British schools that Germany won the war and you pay for the Greeks.  AND, no more of those appalling full English breakfasts with their totally un-German bratwursty things.  Moreover, you will admit in public that Germans do have a sense of humour. Good, the renegotiation is complete and I will fully support your in-in referendum. Jean-Claude will too.  Won’t you Jean-Claude.  A pleasure to do business with you, Dave.”
Angela the Haggler: "Just one thing, Dave. Why are you holding this referendum?"

Julian Lindley-French